The Woman Who Had to Die First
How do we hide? And what are we so afraid of?
If I were to answer, I’d say, “In every way, and of everything.”
There are only two responses in life: fear or love. The quality and condition of our circumstances are reflections of which we choose. For years I’ve lived from a place of fear because I never knew I had a choice.
In Dying To Be Me, a book that permanently shifted my thoughts on living and dying, Anita Moorjani tells the story of a life lived in fear, the cancer that killed her, and choosing love to return. Hers is not only a miracle of healing and science, but of the transformative power of love over fear, and how that decision makes all the difference.
“…I understood that I owed it to myself, to everyone I met, and to life itself to always be an expression of my own unique essence. Trying to be anything or anyone else didn’t make me better—it just deprived me of my true self! It kept others from experiencing me for who I am, and it deprived me of interacting authentically with them. Being inauthentic also deprives the universe of who I came here to be and what I came here to express.”
Anita Moorjani - Dying to Be Me
We don’t have to die to make the same discovery because Anita did that for us. The whole point of My Inner Culture—the fuel for my rants and the reason I am pulling old habits by the roots—is to create an authentic life. One that’s mine, not a product of an outdated past, or a fragment of what it could be because I’m too afraid to fill a room with ME.
I didn’t know keeping myself trapped in an over-sized body was in fear of being seen. I didn’t know staying immersed in illness was to protect myself from failure. I didn’t know my desire to run away was the product of unworthiness. I didn’t know I had to check the stove dials (again) and lock the doors for the tenth time because I’ve never felt safe. I didn’t know I put up walls and shut down against opposition from fear of speaking my truth. I didn’t know I was constantly on the defensive because this life of fear had me stuck in fight or flight all day long.
And I didn’t know I was so afraid until I realized that nearly every action in my life was in response to fear. Where was the trust, the truth, the love?
The manifestations of fear are evident in my body, you need only look. It’s mid-November; 2018 is drawing to a close. If I have one wish, one resolution for the new year, it’s for a shift from fear to love. To take care of my body—not because I’m afraid of being sick or fat, but because this body is mine and deserves better. To live from a place of health because I don’t need the illness anymore—because I can’t fail as long as I’m living true. To face the scary parts head on because I am just as worthy as every daughter, mother, friend, lover, diploma-wielding collegiate, MD, literary genius, American Idol winner, priest, pauper, CEO, soldier, or saint of love.
To stop being afraid of myself, and love the moody, creative, curious, dramatic soul inside.
“I knew that realizing this meant never being afraid of who we are…I knew that was really the only purpose of life: to be our self, live our truth, and be the love that we are. ”